Riot Fest

Riot Fest Sommelier: Pairing your bands to your drugs

Pairings are not the wave of the future. In fact, much like sommeliers, they’ve been a superfluous addition to society’s infatuation with over-indulgence and gluttony for centuries. Yes, the world is a wonderful place for you and your over-stimulated palette, but there is a contingent of us that feels left out. Those of us who prefer music, junk food and recreational narcotics don’t have our pairings menu. Ostracized, cast out and omitted for years, we will stand for it no longer.

As we prepare for Riot Fest and Rodeo at the National Western Complex in Denver and Riot Fest and Carnival at Douglas Park in Chicago we offer this exclusive list of music to narcotics pairings for some of our favorite acts performing at this year’s festivals.

Ween (Saturday in Denver; Friday in Chicago) – This psychedelic rock duo from Pennsylvania did a marvelous job satirizing the mystifyingly popular alternative rock scene of the early 90s, all while indulging in their share hallucinogens. In order to get the Ween experience you don’t need to be familiar with all five parts of The Stallion, you just need some psilocybin mushrooms. Colloquially known as shrooms, these disgusting little fellows are best ingested quickly with water – avoid carbonated beverages as there is a strong likelihood they may come back up – and are apt to enhance the ambiance of Ween’s set while you party in style with Boognish.

NOFX (Friday in Denver and Chicago) – Prescription opiate addiction is a serious problem and a seriously good way to take in a NOFX set. Bob may be “sober,” but that doesn’t mean your medicine cabinet is and nothing beats dancing along to America’s strongest supporter of scripts than a handful of ‘dones. The dizzying effect promises to elevate even the lowest of self-esteems and the numbness assists in absorbing all types of blows to the face and/or body as you throw yourself around the pit. Become a middle-aged cliché as you gleefully sing along to “Linoleum” while the band plays “Stickin’ in My Eye”.

Leftöver Crack (Saturday in Denver; Sunday in Chicago) – There’s no better way to say “fuck the police” than inhaling the drug they’ve been learned to fear the most (outside of heroine, but don’t do heroine): crack. This synthetic blend of all things unnatural not only served as the premise to every Oliver Stone film of the 80s, it also is the mascot of every Squatta’s Paradise. Be the crustiest of the crust punks with this extra jolt of adrenaline that you’re guaranteed to feel from the bottom of your combat boots to the end of your unfastened safety pins.

Julian Marley (Saturday in Denver; Friday in Chicago) – Listening to Exodus in full performed by a Marley is a rare opportunity. To see it while toking on a freshly rolled strain of Exodus Kush is a divine opportunity. Exodus Kush is so powerful, in fact, you’ll hardly notice the Marley performing, isn’t Bob. Most people will tell you that any blunt will do while singing along to “Jamming”, but we’re here to set the record straight. Not all strains are created equal and Exodus Kush produces a potent high that critics call both relaxing and uplifting.

Exodus with Exodus, relax and be uplifted my friends.

Editor’s note: Be safe, kids.  If you’ve found you’ve overindulged, let a nearby medic know as soon as possible and be honest about your drug use. And you probably shouldn’t do drugs, so do be careful.

Denver’s Riot Fest & Rodeo is scheduled for Sept. 2-4 at the National Western Complex. Chicago’s Riot Fest & Carnival is set for Sept. 16-18 at Douglas Park. Three-day passes are already on sale here and here, respectively.

 

onTheWeb: Riot Fest Website

Follow @RiotFest

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About jojoking

jojoking

Old-time punk. Loves daisies and sunsets, but not the two combined because that would be weird.

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